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| I'm exhausted dead. I can barely think at this point, and my head is about to explode, holding a deep dark secret that I'm unable to contain. It's literally breaking me every day. Every day I see him, and I just can't afford to look at him. It's too painful, but I want him to know what's going on in my head. Actually, a lot of things are going on in my head, and it's spinning nonstop at 100 mi/h. I don't know if I hate him or not. It's so confusing and we haven't talked since last Thursday. The last hug was Monday. I'm sick of looking at him and looking away when he comes my way. I ignore him completely. I know it's not what he wants, but I had said, "It's going to take a while for me to get over it." I don't love him. I know I don't. I hate the fact that he insisted on telling me and getting me aroused about what was going on. I'm frustrated and I don't know what I'm supposed to do. He probably won't look at the same way, and neither will I. It makes me mad and irritated thinking of him with her...maybe I do, to a certain extent. But it's nothing like what I feel for my own now. I never expected him to wait for me, because it would never happen between us. But after hearing what he had done, I couldn't do anything except stare in disbelief and scream in my head until I crashed. I just never thought that something so stupid like that could screw me over him like this. | | |
| i dont know what im supposed to be looking for. i got through today feeling...a mood swing of some sort. its difficult to describe and im not sure if im talking straight either. starting to feel sick, though. what am i supposed to expect from life? at first, when i first heard the word "life," i instantly thought of great and fascinating things; no problems, no worries; just simply being carefree. high school comes along...and at this point, i am ready to prepare my deathbed for my heart attack. i come back home and...i feel nauseated...like no other. i feel like theres no other reason to my life. im surrounded by "friends" who pretend to make me part of their group...but i feel like its never going to work. i feel...different from everyone else...like i cant fit in at all. is there something...thats...horrible on me? is it something i cant pull off? whats wrong with me? do several people just not like me? i want answers. if life was real and perfect the way i imagined, then things would be different and i wouldnt feel this way now. | | |
| am i really supposed to listen to all this? what the hell am i doing in this situation? i dont understand anyone anymore and everythings falling apart. i cant focus and it keeps going through my head. i was fine until he came along and ruined everything with me and my friends. its his fault he liked me, its his fault that he liked me and her. everythings ruined and i fucking dont want to deal with it. everythings screwed, were both the 3rd wheel and we cant do anything except sit and watch them screw themselves over and get in trouble; trouble we cant handle for her. if she gets in something stupid, thats her fault and im not helping her out of this. she chose it, now shes going to deal with it. | | |
| i slammed my locker shut and walked out as fast as i could. suddenly i stopped; that wasnt going to get me anywhere at all. i stopped long enough to hear my friend call "im going to go find emma" before i turned around and disappeared into the crowd. he was putting his water bottle in his backpack when i grabbed the back of his shirt and pulled him close. "michael..im, im really sorry. i never meant.." i couldnt finish; the tears came fast before i could think. just looking at him made me feel so guilty. his eyes had dark circles around them, i guess he was crying last night as well. i broke down and covered my face. he dropped his backpack and hugged me so tight i didnt think i could breathe. "its okay." he whispered as i cried. my tears fell from my face and touched the shoulder of his shirt. i pulled away and forced myself to say something. "its just...its just really complicated and i had to think about it," he reached out and touched my face. i tried to breathe in slowly, but i couldnt. it was just so depressing to even think about it. i had never meant to hurt him, and i had no intention of letting him go. the 5 minute bell rang, but we stood there and didnt move. a few seconds later, we walked to class. he wrapped his arms around me and quietly i asked "do you still hate me?" he stopped suddenly and held me back as i tried to keep walking. he pulled me towards him and said "why would i hate you?" he hugged me and rested his head on my shoulder. "i would never hate you, okay?" when we reached the art wing i said "how would i know thats true?" before letting me go, he whispered "because i said so," and disappeared in the flow of people walking towards the stairs. i didnt stop walking, i didnt look back at him, but his words hung in the air around me. | | |
| yesterday was the greatest day since...whenever i had the most fun. several people i know passed us, but they never came by. =( hottest day of the week, according to chelsea, and it was so relaxing and fun. at the end of the day, i watched him leave with his sister, and my friend leaned towards me, saying "this is something that were not going to tell michael!" and started laughing. i almost stopped; i completely forgot about him. what would he say if she actually told him about what had happened today?! christian heard us and said "maybe some day, you'll get lucky" although i wasnt sure if he was talking to me. toni, especially for you: if you go back to my recent facebook pictures, you will understand.  what can i do?? | | |
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